Thursday, July 5, 2018

i know

i know
i know
i know

God is punishing me.

and God did you know

i cant do anything about that?

God please

take me away.

i've always knew. the default mode of me is purely negative. The positive side of me is enviro-induced.

take it away from me.

and i'm hopeless.

God i'm so tired.

God I'm exhausted.

the moment i thought i could get over it.
is the moment i should have known that shits are coming.

i'm beyond fucked up and nothing that i could do to save me.

save me lord.

take me away.

let death comes to me.

Tuesday, July 3, 2018

random

I dont actually know how to fucking write or even tell a story. Im usually that awkward kid that sits at the back of the class and stay quiet until the end of the semester.

its all true tho i dont have that many friends.

its also true i dont have that great of relationship with my family. so when i now 25 and my mom and dad tried to be the ideal parents to me, i see it as fake.

ive never gottem the love from my parents that i often seen my friends got from their parents. its all about survival. we werent rich and food arent always ready,but i knew both of them are trying very hard to provide for me,for us all.

we were living in a small house until i was 11 when my dad decided to move us into a bigger house cause he got promoted.

but we were never rich,its all enough. mom and dad working non stop. we rarely sees them. I was in the boarding school since i was 13.

i dont have a great relationship with them.

so often,since i was 16 (i started this blog when i was 15-16 years old and lots of old posts has been archived) i have this suicidal tendencies and i've always get back to this blog to rambles at least to ease the pain.

I rarely had a good friends and the only real friends that i make was my housemates (5 of them).

i have problems. Im volatile. i dont understand people so well. I sometimes dont think when i did something (based on the online test that i took,it said that my Impulsive trait is 66 which is VERY impulsive) so i made mistakes. A LOT of it.

Im not trying to justify myself for the mess that ive done.

i need to man up and own it.

Personally,the 25 years old me is so much different than 15 years old me.

a 15 years old me would have screamed and cried and even do something stupid in the event when something unfavorable happened to me.

a 25 years old me? i just swallow it.

but i still cried myself to sleep.

one thing i dont like about myself is how i tend to overthink everything. i tried not to but i cant.

im just sad.

and i wanna die.

i've realized that i cant be happy long ago.

but this time.

i really really hope that i can die.

God

i just realized this.

i dont have the right to be happy.

i've always been sad.

it explains a lot why i'm feeling guilty each time i laugh.

i do not deserve to be happy.

God.

where is the edge of the cliff?

If i jump will it all be over?

I guess this is the ultimate punishment

so long.

and good bye.

Monday, July 2, 2018

please god

God i hate living.

I hate that i need to put up a brave face.

i'm not brave.

its all my fault.

i deserved to be punished 

by God and by people.

God take me away.

its fucking painful and i cant find any salvation anymore.

let me sleep.

and dont wake up.

God please.

take me away.

help me.

Sunday, July 1, 2018

i should die

i fucking get it.

its all because of me. I'm the one who fucked up everything. I am the scum. i dont even deserve to live. I am mad but i cant get mad cause i get it.

its all my fucking fault.

i fucking get it.

i've knew about it since it began.

fuck my life. its all haywire. i'm a fucking mess. i dont deserve to live. I should die.

I should die.

i deserve a slow painful death.

thats what i worth.

i am a disaster.

God take my life and end it fast.

i cant take it anymore.

please.

help.

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Lost in transition

I landed a new job just 2 weeks after my 24th birthday and I was quite happy. It was a dream job after all with a decent paycheck. I thought that would keep me going in life, tho i've learned that life has so much secrets and twists that it can offer.

Here's a rant about how silly mistakes and wrong decisions made me who i am today.

I've always wondered what if i take a leap back then and never do the thing I've done, would i be different? I never knew the answer. sometimes i keep the thoughts and regrets at the deepest pit in my heart and locked it there. It just sometimes the "what if" situation keeps on bugging me and i wonder if i am, at fault for being subconsciously opening the lock for the demon (i called these 'what if 'thoughts as "demon")  to roam free.

I won't lie there are nights where i was crying to sleep and some other night, like some other night, i got to sleep in peace.

sometimes i too wonder if i am mentally ill? i can't find myself having fun without thinking "I've been having so much fun right now, shits are going to hit the fan soon". I too sometimes found myself being fond to be in the crowd and not doing nothing and sometimes i love being alone and not doing anything too.I sometimes find myself unsure what i wanna do and days later, I'm so motivated and have this fixation on a target of what i wanna become. the truth is I'm unsure of what i wanna do and truthfully the only thing that i wanna do the whole day is sleep.

I love my job, i'm in the manufacturing industry. it runs 24/7 and 365 days every year. But sometimes i'm in doubt with myself. Should i be doing this for years? is this how i'm going to spend my life till retirement? I have these doubts and its killing me. I shouldn't be whining, there tonnes of people out there that are still struggling to put foods on the table, but the thoughts linger a bit longer than usual these days. and i am truthfully don't know what to do.

money is tight and times are hard, i just cant bear it sometimes. commitments and responsibility, its all hard.

I am a non-materialistic kinda guy,i live my life on the most basic supply that can sustain me and can help me survive on a day-to-day basis. But other people definition of non-materialistic life can be a bit different from mine. Its like this, i don't care what kind of soap that i'll be using as long as it cheap heck i even use sabun buku tho, i don't care the brand or type of rice that i'm eating as long as its cheap, the same goes on with clothes, phone and even bed. I'm the kind of guy that don't even care if i got a bed or not, if i don't have it i'd simply hampar kain sarong and sleep on it. I'm never choosy.

but not all people like that. and sometimes the clash in thought happens and there are conflicts. I try to settle on the middle ground and sometimes its killing me slowly as it wasn't how i live. its true with friends and even family. the differences in values.

its been a long time since i write something and its all jumbling without a direction.

i just hope there's a silver lining anytime soon.

truthfully, a boy lost in transition.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

sang manusia

aku sang pendosa

adakah aku berhak bahagia?

malam menjelang buat hati makin bungkam,seolah kilauan bulan menyuluh luka luka usang

tatkala siang,matahari pula menyelar hati sehingga gersang

sakit perit payah.

aku orang yang sakit

tapi dikebanyakan hari aku dihimpit bahagia

meski aku sang pendosa

kerna itu aku selalu terdetak.

layakkah aku untuk bahagia?