Sunday, September 24, 2017

Lost in transition

I landed a new job just 2 weeks after my 24th birthday and I was quite happy. It was a dream job after all with a decent paycheck. I thought that would keep me going in life, tho i've learned that life has so much secrets and twists that it can offer.

Here's a rant about how silly mistakes and wrong decisions made me who i am today.

I've always wondered what if i take a leap back then and never do the thing I've done, would i be different? I never knew the answer. sometimes i keep the thoughts and regrets at the deepest pit in my heart and locked it there. It just sometimes the "what if" situation keeps on bugging me and i wonder if i am, at fault for being subconsciously opening the lock for the demon (i called these 'what if 'thoughts as "demon")  to roam free.

I won't lie there are nights where i was crying to sleep and some other night, like some other night, i got to sleep in peace.

sometimes i too wonder if i am mentally ill? i can't find myself having fun without thinking "I've been having so much fun right now, shits are going to hit the fan soon". I too sometimes found myself being fond to be in the crowd and not doing nothing and sometimes i love being alone and not doing anything too.I sometimes find myself unsure what i wanna do and days later, I'm so motivated and have this fixation on a target of what i wanna become. the truth is I'm unsure of what i wanna do and truthfully the only thing that i wanna do the whole day is sleep.

I love my job, i'm in the manufacturing industry. it runs 24/7 and 365 days every year. But sometimes i'm in doubt with myself. Should i be doing this for years? is this how i'm going to spend my life till retirement? I have these doubts and its killing me. I shouldn't be whining, there tonnes of people out there that are still struggling to put foods on the table, but the thoughts linger a bit longer than usual these days. and i am truthfully don't know what to do.

money is tight and times are hard, i just cant bear it sometimes. commitments and responsibility, its all hard.

I am a non-materialistic kinda guy,i live my life on the most basic supply that can sustain me and can help me survive on a day-to-day basis. But other people definition of non-materialistic life can be a bit different from mine. Its like this, i don't care what kind of soap that i'll be using as long as it cheap heck i even use sabun buku tho, i don't care the brand or type of rice that i'm eating as long as its cheap, the same goes on with clothes, phone and even bed. I'm the kind of guy that don't even care if i got a bed or not, if i don't have it i'd simply hampar kain sarong and sleep on it. I'm never choosy.

but not all people like that. and sometimes the clash in thought happens and there are conflicts. I try to settle on the middle ground and sometimes its killing me slowly as it wasn't how i live. its true with friends and even family. the differences in values.

its been a long time since i write something and its all jumbling without a direction.

i just hope there's a silver lining anytime soon.

truthfully, a boy lost in transition.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

sang manusia

aku sang pendosa

adakah aku berhak bahagia?

malam menjelang buat hati makin bungkam,seolah kilauan bulan menyuluh luka luka usang

tatkala siang,matahari pula menyelar hati sehingga gersang

sakit perit payah.

aku orang yang sakit

tapi dikebanyakan hari aku dihimpit bahagia

meski aku sang pendosa

kerna itu aku selalu terdetak.

layakkah aku untuk bahagia?

Friday, July 28, 2017

help

if it wasn't for the God Almighty

I think I won't be breathing right now.

i'm a coward.

and that's why i need people.

destroy me.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Dari hati

hati yang merindukan itu sangat memelikkan.

melihat dunia dari sisi yang sama berhari hari nampak tawar.

hati yang tak pernah lelah kini penat merindu.

merindu pada yang dekat tapi jauh.

hati ini lelah.
hati ini lemah.
namun yang lelah dan lemah inilah yang selalu ada menanti.

mungkin catatan ini terlalu ranggi dan puitis.

mungkin catatan ini terlalu membosankan.

namun catatan ini sahajalah yang mampu dicoret di kala ini.

dari hati yang merindui.

Saturday, February 18, 2017

cheating analogos

you see, why people cheat on others?

its an old question yang memang orang akan bertanya? why did you cheat on her, why did you lie on him, why would you do that?

memang soalan itu yang akan kerap orang bertanya.

aku tahu kenapa.

aku akan buat satu analogi dalam bentuk cerita di bawah ini.

we have parents and our parents have their siblings, so when its raya ke occasion yang melibatkan our family termasuklah extended family everyone will gather together.

kita datang dengan parents kita, our aunts and uncle datang dengan cousins kita.

the thing is perasan tak,bila around this kind of gathering yang melibatkan extended family, kita bila nak main main ke lari lari ke buat nakal sikit ke mintak belanja ke we didn't do all that depan parents kita.

everyone mesti ada seorang uncle or aunt yang macam diorang fond to be with kan? uncle/aunt tu lah belanja tu and uncle/aunt tu lah bawak pergi tempat best best,sedangkan mak ayah kita tak bawak/belanja pun ke tempat tu semua.

and kita rasa seronok lepak dengan uncle/aunt tu and bila kena balik dengan mak ayah kita kita rasa sugul muram and tidak berpuas hati.

sampai kadang kadang kita rasa "i wish i'm aunt/uncle's children" takdelah kena marah, tak kena grounded, dapat macam macam.

the thing is this is normal.

like cheating its almost the same.

dalam analogi tu kita memang seronok dengan uncle kita aunty kita sebab dia tak pernah marah and he/she buy us things that makes us happy, kita rasa dia orang lah paling heavenly and paling sweet and mak ayah kita paling tak best sekali.

this is because they never deal with our shits our tantrum and us being at our worst.

our parents did and they still love us.

same as cheating.

that someone new can offer you a happy relationship at the beginning because its the honeymoon period, semua cover line, jaga kata jaga mata jaga semua.

but the man/woman yang dah selalu ada dengan kita dah deal with our shits our tantrums and our fucking mess for like how many years.

and they still stay besides us.

so,its only logical for people to be swayed by the temporary sweetness.

its the process of maturity.

do not cheat.

i was a cheater before.

never now.

ciao ciao.

Friday, February 3, 2017

addin cerita hampir kosong

here comes a story like no other story.
a story full of tatabahasa inggeris error and random bullshittery.

nak tahu tak,that i am super thoughtful?
thats why i sit at the corner and never bother anyone.

i choose to alienate myself to redeem myself.

i hate myself for all the wrong choices in my life but me choosing to be thoughtful of others?
i love that choice.

i hate being alone thats the truth.
but dealing with people brings me pain.

so macam mana?

be fake.

fake a smile and live on.

cheers.

Makan Hati

hai semua,

selamat tahun baru dan selamat tahun baru cina.
seperti biasalah apabila minda kacau, blog ini sahajalah tempat aku mengadu domba.

susah hatilah sekarang.
bukan senang sekarang.
hati gundah gulana,
terlalu resah,
tak senang tak lena,

nak aku buat apa?

ibarat ditelan mati mak,diluah mati bapak,

tapi kalau aku,

ditelan aku mati,diluah pun aku yang mati.

entahlah,

sekarang aku lari sahajalah dari kekalutan ini.

bak kata yuna,kekalutan dunia buat aku terluka.

cheers!