random

I dont actually know how to fucking write or even tell a story. Im usually that awkward kid that sits at the back of the class and stay quiet until the end of the semester.

its all true tho i dont have that many friends.

its also true i dont have that great of relationship with my family. so when i now 25 and my mom and dad tried to be the ideal parents to me, i see it as fake.

ive never gottem the love from my parents that i often seen my friends got from their parents. its all about survival. we werent rich and food arent always ready,but i knew both of them are trying very hard to provide for me,for us all.

we were living in a small house until i was 11 when my dad decided to move us into a bigger house cause he got promoted.

but we were never rich,its all enough. mom and dad working non stop. we rarely sees them. I was in the boarding school since i was 13.

i dont have a great relationship with them.

so often,since i was 16 (i started this blog when i was 15-16 years old and lots of old posts has been archived) i have this suicidal tendencies and i've always get back to this blog to rambles at least to ease the pain.

I rarely had a good friends and the only real friends that i make was my housemates (5 of them).

i have problems. Im volatile. i dont understand people so well. I sometimes dont think when i did something (based on the online test that i took,it said that my Impulsive trait is 66 which is VERY impulsive) so i made mistakes. A LOT of it.

Im not trying to justify myself for the mess that ive done.

i need to man up and own it.

Personally,the 25 years old me is so much different than 15 years old me.

a 15 years old me would have screamed and cried and even do something stupid in the event when something unfavorable happened to me.

a 25 years old me? i just swallow it.

but i still cried myself to sleep.

one thing i dont like about myself is how i tend to overthink everything. i tried not to but i cant.

im just sad.

and i wanna die.

i've realized that i cant be happy long ago.

but this time.

i really really hope that i can die.