Lost in transition

I landed a new job just 2 weeks after my 24th birthday and I was quite happy. It was a dream job after all with a decent paycheck. I thought that would keep me going in life, tho i've learned that life has so much secrets and twists that it can offer.

Here's a rant about how silly mistakes and wrong decisions made me who i am today.

I've always wondered what if i take a leap back then and never do the thing I've done, would i be different? I never knew the answer. sometimes i keep the thoughts and regrets at the deepest pit in my heart and locked it there. It just sometimes the "what if" situation keeps on bugging me and i wonder if i am, at fault for being subconsciously opening the lock for the demon (i called these 'what if 'thoughts as "demon")  to roam free.

I won't lie there are nights where i was crying to sleep and some other night, like some other night, i got to sleep in peace.

sometimes i too wonder if i am mentally ill? i can't find myself having fun without thinking "I've been having so much fun right now, shits are going to hit the fan soon". I too sometimes found myself being fond to be in the crowd and not doing nothing and sometimes i love being alone and not doing anything too.I sometimes find myself unsure what i wanna do and days later, I'm so motivated and have this fixation on a target of what i wanna become. the truth is I'm unsure of what i wanna do and truthfully the only thing that i wanna do the whole day is sleep.

I love my job, i'm in the manufacturing industry. it runs 24/7 and 365 days every year. But sometimes i'm in doubt with myself. Should i be doing this for years? is this how i'm going to spend my life till retirement? I have these doubts and its killing me. I shouldn't be whining, there tonnes of people out there that are still struggling to put foods on the table, but the thoughts linger a bit longer than usual these days. and i am truthfully don't know what to do.

money is tight and times are hard, i just cant bear it sometimes. commitments and responsibility, its all hard.

I am a non-materialistic kinda guy,i live my life on the most basic supply that can sustain me and can help me survive on a day-to-day basis. But other people definition of non-materialistic life can be a bit different from mine. Its like this, i don't care what kind of soap that i'll be using as long as it cheap heck i even use sabun buku tho, i don't care the brand or type of rice that i'm eating as long as its cheap, the same goes on with clothes, phone and even bed. I'm the kind of guy that don't even care if i got a bed or not, if i don't have it i'd simply hampar kain sarong and sleep on it. I'm never choosy.

but not all people like that. and sometimes the clash in thought happens and there are conflicts. I try to settle on the middle ground and sometimes its killing me slowly as it wasn't how i live. its true with friends and even family. the differences in values.

its been a long time since i write something and its all jumbling without a direction.

i just hope there's a silver lining anytime soon.

truthfully, a boy lost in transition.